i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
