He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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