Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
