ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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