i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
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I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
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in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
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