I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
