Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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