everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
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