I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Randomize
