My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
