from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
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his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
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you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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