People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
