New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
