No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
