I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
