I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
