i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
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