I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
