Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
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