I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
