it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
