rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
time to smoke my breakfast
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
