You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Terrible idea I love it
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
