My sheets look like a crime scene.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I pour the whiskey from now on
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
