im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
