on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
