If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
