i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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