I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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