We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
