Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
