Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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