I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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