So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
