Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
