I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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