my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Dignity is for republicans.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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