dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
