Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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