he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
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