good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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