I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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