She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
