He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
my god I love twenty year old dicks
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
