i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
