you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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