Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
We need a shit load of segways right now
you never un-have a 4some
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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