well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
