Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
