Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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