i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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