There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
So squirting runs in the family.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
All I want is dick and wine.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
